


What are you doing to me?

by wh4t4sh4me



Category: The OA (TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Denial, F/M, Sexual Content, Unhealthy - Freeform, repression of feelings, the whole thing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-26
Updated: 2017-09-26
Packaged: 2019-01-05 17:43:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12194667
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wh4t4sh4me/pseuds/wh4t4sh4me
Summary: When she regained her vision after the failed escape, after he knocked her down, it got different, not just because she had to put an act on, try to convince him that nothing changed.Somehow, everything was much more complicated.





	What are you doing to me?

**Author's Note:**

> Essentially no proof reader. No time. Apologies.

Prairie had liked him when they first met in New York.  
Had trusted his deep voice and warm hands and had felt understood for the time in ages.  
She remembered, - as cringeworthy her rose-coloured first vision of him appeared to her now - to have imagined him as a good-looking man.  
When she regained her vision after the failed escape, after he knocked her down, it got different, not just because she had to put an act on, try to convince him that nothing changed.

Somehow, everything was much more complicated.

He stood approximately two meters away from her, drinking his morning coffee. Prairie was able to identify the sound of his sole feet on the kitchen floor and the almost absent slurping while he emptied the cup.  
The morning was bright and cold, autumn was just getting started and she prepared bagels for his breakfast.  
…He was taller than her, that she had known for some time.  
His hair was dark and already got a little thinner on the forehead. He had blue eyes, from what she could tell; she, until now, had avoided to directly look at them to not give herself away.  
Their shape made them look melancholic.

Of course she had wondered before what he might look like. And in her mind he had had black hair as well, but finer features and dark eyes, maybe a cold trait around his mouth, emphasising what he did as part of his scientific “work”.  
She had realised that she had made him far more of a villain-look-a-like than he actually was.  
She turned her head carefully and saw that Hap was still drinking his coffee with his back towards her.  
A newspaper or some sort of magazine rustled as he turned the pages.  
She got back to preparing his breakfast.

Prairie still found it very hard to conceal her delight about being able to see her surroundings and she often had to stop herself from smiling in amazement when she touched the known textures of things and saw that they looked like they felt under her hands. Like she remembered them from her childhood.  
Green, fresh salad leaves, the wood of the kitchen counter, white ceramics, soft fabric of different colours and the sky and trees before the windows; It had not changed much and that was very satisfying to her.  
She finally knew how the others looked like. Homer, Scott, Rachel. Especially Homer.

“The cup is next to your right hand.” She had heard him walking over, but his voice was still surprisingly near to her ear.  
He carefully placed the item exactly where he had said it would be. Prairie tried to glance at his profile without moving her eyes to much.  
What struck her as particularly odd about Hap now, after she could see him, was how he could transform from sophisticated academic, wearing well tailored jackets and white shirts, to an awkward, bleary-eyed guy, in baggy jeans and an utility vest, who seemingly sometimes forgot to shower for three days straight.  
Even now, he was wearing his T-shirt on the wrong side. The seams were visible.  
She caught herself being amused at the sight.  
A moment later, after leaving her side, he seemed to notice too, uttering a low curse behind her back. She grabbed the warm bagels from the toaster and spread cream cheese on top of them. “What is it?” she asked, pretending to not be aware while staring at a point to her right.  
“Ah, nothing.” His voice sounded muffled. “Sometimes I don't know where my head is.”  
With the bagels on a plate she turned around to find Hap with his shirt in hand.  
It took her a little off guard and for a brief moment she thought to have given herself away before she could remember to just keep her eyes wandering, fixed on nothing particular. In the mean time, Hap was scrambling to get his shirt back on, this time the right way around.  
He had a startled look on his face.  
“Your food.” she said, offering the plate to him, fixing her gaze on a point next to him while he finally managed to pull the clothing over his head, covering himself again.  
“Yes, …just- just put it on the counter…Thank you.” His ears had turned a light shade of pink.  
Prairie needed a moment to realise that it was because of the shirt that he was embarrassed, despite the fact that, - from what he knew, - it was impossible for her to witness him being undressed.  
But there he stood, blushing like a teenager and rubbing his neck.  
It were things like this that she previously missed about him but was able to catch now.  
She fought the urge to snort, laughter bubbling up in her stomach.

Prairie placed the plate next to him, still smiling inwardly, determined to keep up her act and suddenly felt a light touch on her shoulder.  
“…Thank you.” he said. It sounded honest but simultaneously like he wanted to say so much more with it but couldn't.  
She blinked.  
His hand was slightly cold but it seemed to burn into her bare skin.  
In the past, their contact did never last longer than three seconds maybe and she wondered what had driven him to do that just know.  
As much as she was surprised by the touch, the more she was when she found that she did not want to move away.  
No, not surprised, frightened.  
It had been months, she realised.  
Month since he dared to get into her near - to guide his blind housekeeper -, months since she last felt the skin of another human being and she did not want to break the contact just yet.  
She was on the verge of leaning into it, craving closeness, - no matter with whom, - after being starved from it for so long.  
It was purely selfish, she knew.  
Over the course of the weeks, she had sometimes wished to feel the brush of Haps fingers when she handed him his coffee cup, even though she had denied it afterwards. Just to know that she was not…alone.  
It was almost like an itch. And his hand on her shoulder just now…  
“I…” he began but closed his mouth again.  
“Don't.” she said in a flat voice.  
The amusement from seconds ago was gone and she found herself to be weirdly irritated at him. Not because of his clumsy attempt to show gratitude, but because he had just reminded her again.  
Of everything, the circumstances that hovered over them like a dark cloud and which she sometimes -just sometimes- was able to ignore and forget.

He did not look like a villain. Not at all. He looked…sad.

She knew that the amount of time one would call appropriate for backing away was long over and was well aware of the aura of confusion and uncertainty the man next to her emitted.  
She put her hand on his, wanting to remove it from her shoulder but found that right then she hadn't had the power to do that.  
And he looked at her with those sad blue eyes and Prairie realised that he still waited for her to do something, give him a signal to move away. Instead she held onto his hand.  
…And was that not exactly the problem? That she suddenly had found, that him touching her was acceptable, felt nice?  
It seemed to go against the silent rule saying that she would do as she was told by him with silent resentment and he would wear his feelings open on his face, like a crusted wound he kept picking at until it turned into a scar.  
The thing was, now she could see.  
And he smelled good.  
Alive.  
Real.  
Like soap and a little of cigarettes and beneath that was a fresh musky smell, like a gentle cologne or aftershave. She suddenly remembered the oyster bar and decided that it had to be a cologne because the scent had been on him back then as well, much stronger, mixed with sweat because of his nervousness.  
She found that her hand had moved from atop of Hap’s to the front of his T-shirt and she felt the warmth and the not so subtle moving of his chest beneath. He did not do anything about it. Now, on the other hand, why would he?  
Something inside her cracked.  
She grabbed a fistful of the fabric with both hands and buried her face in it.  
He hadn't moved an inch or spoken a word yet.  
When she spoke it came from deep down inside of her, where something just wished for everything to be over.  
“Please.” Her voice was hoarse but surprisingly loud in the silent kitchen. “Let me go. Let us go.”  
Hap stiffened.  
“Or just them.” She added quickly. “Let them go and keep me here. That would be okay. I'm…”  
_I'm speaking to the part of you that is embarrassed over a woman seeing him without his shirt, the part that enjoys scientific tv-shows and rambles a lot. The man I met in New York. ___  
He cleared his throat and began to move away.  
“I think that would be everything for now. You can do the dishes tomorrow.”  
“Please, I…” She desperately called out to him, moving her hands up to his neck and face, pleading.  
_I don't want to have to hurt you again. ___  
Letting her eyes roam over his features she saw that they were a mask of pain. She helplessly let one of her hands wander to his biceps, holding onto him so he could not simply walk away.  
In that moment, it was very hard to keep the act about her eyesight up. Everything in her demanded that she made eye contact with him, searched for a sign whether he could be persuaded.  
Whether there was this other part of him, the one that was thoughtful and gentle.  
At least he was not backing away.  
They were only inches apart. Prairie could feel goosebumps forming on the skin of his arm. To emphasise her words she stepped even closer and directed her gaze at his chin while she lightly caressed his cheek.  
God, it would have been so much easier if she could just _look _at him.__  
“I know that you're a good man.” she said and she meant it.  
Haps lips were slightly parted and his breathing quick.  
His face felt hot to the touch.  
“No, I'm not.” His voice was raspy.  
He carefully took her hand from his face and placed it in the middle of his chest, not an act of affection but more of demonstration.  
Prairie could feel his heart hammering as if it wanted to jump out of his rib cage.  
She noticed that again, she was left with a choice. He had always left her a choice. She could always return to her cell.  
“You…you can make it… right. You know that, Hap.”  
He was shuddering and suddenly his hands were at her hip, at her shoulder, pulling her close while he stepped forward, pushing her back against the kitchen counter. He trapped one of her arms in his embrace and grabbed the wrist of the other. Not that she was resisting, despite the fear that welled up inside of her.  
“What are you doing to me?” he asked. His voice was next to her ear, low and hoarse.  
Prairie did not answer. It appeared to be a rhetorical question anyway.  
They had never been that near before and the wood of the counter was biting into her back. She tried to shift against him and stopped when she heard him inhaling sharply. The front of his cotton pants was pressed to her hip and her eyes went wide with realisation. Something in her stomach fluttered. 

_____ _

None of them moved for a few seconds. Outside of the window, birds sung and the sun disappeared and reappeared from behind the quickly moving clouds. It was windy.  
Slowly Haps head sank down on her shoulder.  
When she wriggled against the hold on her wrist he let go off her but otherwise remained where he was.  
Prairie lifted her arm and hesitantly ruffled through the hair on the back of his head. It was still a little damp. She was able to free her other arm as well and encircled his neck with both of them.  
Turning her head, she hesitated before pressing her lips to the shell of his ear.  
He seemed so vulnerable at that moment.  
She wished to be able to simply shut off those feelings. But right then, it was nothing bad, nothing she had to beat herself up about. Her caring for her captor was undeniable and for the first time, did not just made everything more complicated. Staring over Haps shoulder into the kitchen, watching the dust dance in the rays of sun coming from the window, she asked herself why this had not occurred to her up until then.  
She lowered her left hand from his neck and slowly and cautiously slipped it under his shirt and up his abdomen.  
Hap moved slightly, inhaling through the nose.  
She swallowed dryly not sure what to do next.  
“What are you doing to me?” he asked again, taking his head from her shoulder, but again, it was not really a question.  
Prairie stayed quiet and let her hand wander over his skin, coming to rest where his heart was still beating fast. It picked up pace again.  
He slowly leaned forward, unsure, still asking for permission. It took a few seconds before he finally mustered the courage to brush his lips on hers in a featherlight kiss.  
Something warm washed trough her and she dared to look openly at him since he had his eyes closed. The heart under her touch was pounding very quickly and his breathing became loud again. Puffs of hot air swept over her throat.  
Prairie moved again, but merely by accident, rubbing against the bulge in his pants. A suppressed moan was the answer.  
Now she felt her own cheeks growing hot and she bit down hard on her lower lip. “Sorry…”  
Hap backed away, separated their bodies which had nearly been flush against each other. He was panting heavily. “I'm not…” he said but trailed off. “We don't have to…” The scientist did not found the words to express himself properly but instead stared at her in awe for what seemed like a little eternity.  
“Do you…Do you have any idea how beautiful you are?” he finally said.  
She kept silent, directing her eyes downward.  
He took a strand of her hair between his fingers, observing the play of the sunlight on it. “No.” he said absently “Of course you don't. Of course.”  
Prairie pushed herself of from the kitchen counter and took the one little step that brought them closer again.  
She cupped his face with both hands and kissed him - rather clumsily to be honest but the effect it had one the man was capital.  
After Hap had overcome his initial shock, he let go off her hair and embraced her, eyes falling shut and a needy sound escaping him. She was pressed to him again, felt the weight of his arms around her and his lips kissing her back, no longer shy but demanding.  
His hand on her lower back racked over her clothes, yanking at them until he finally found skin underneath.  
Like before, Prairie was sure that his touch would burn right through her and it made her skin prickly. There was a low exited stirring in her stomach and it grew, letting her become bolder.  
She did now, with full intention, brought her thigh up to his crotch and he moaned into her mouth, shuddering and broke the kiss.  
They were both breathless but did not let go of one another.  
“You…you really should not do that.” Haps ears had turned a dark purple. Prairie used her tongue to unobtrusively examine her lips, that were swollen from the kiss. Feeling lightheaded, she asked: “Why?”  
He laughed embarrassed, a low rumble vibrating through his chest. “Because it has been a while for me to…Ah!” He gasped at the friction of her leg through the thin layer of his pants.  
Prairie could feel very much herself that he was hard down there, twitching every time she moved. It made her feel powerful.  
He rubbed his hand absently over her back and brought his mouth to the side of her neck. Then, he ever so lightly bit down on the delicate skin right below her ear. She inhaled sharply as he worked his way over her neck and throat to the other ear.  
“God…” he murmured, “I could swallow you whole. If I…” Hap sounded lost in his wonder for her; eager to examine what was now before his eyes, to please her.

She decided to bring up the one thing that started all of this.  
“Let the others go.” She tried again in a soft voice.“Keep me here. But let them return to their life.”  
Hap stopped the hard kisses on her neck to look at her for a short moment. Anxiety welled up in Prairie. She was unsure of how he would react to her repeated offer.  
He kissed her. Deep. And sucked at her lower lip. She made a surprised sound at the added sensation but found after a short while that it added to the stirring inside of her.  
His hand wandered to her belly and slowly upwards, pulling up her shirt in the process. She moaned and that only seemed to spur him on.  
“No, but listen, listen…!” It sounded muffled against his mouth and she had to use both her hands to push his head away a little.  
“Hap, I’m serious…I…”  
“Do we have to discuss that right now?” His voice was dark with want but also slight annoyance. His fingers still ghosted over her belly, nearly reaching her bra. A small part of Prairie thought that right then, he sounded like a teenager, angry that he did not got his way.  
“It is important.”  
He ignored her and let his hands reach her décolleté, pulling her shirt up over her breasts. Simultaneously he found that spot below her ear again and bit down. Hard, this time.  
To her own embarrassment she made a low noise.  
“Finally.”  
Prairie was not sure whether he realised that he uttered the word or wether he knew that she heard it, felt the vibration of it on the skin of her neck.  
Anger grew in her stomach.  
Nonetheless, her eyes fell shut as he cupped her through her thin bra and she involuntarily writhed against him, what, in a chain reaction, caused him to grab onto her even harder.  
She got even angrier at the betrayal of her body.  
In order to clear her head, she minimised her movement and opened her eyes wide, counting the wood holes in the cupboard while trying to ignore that the man in front of her just found another spot that made her breath hitch every time he grazed it.  
It worked decently well.  
Prairie still was sure that a simple “No” would stop Hap anytime. But she was furious.  
She wanted to hurt him.  
Had she not cared about him, this thought would have never occurred to her.  
But it being the way it was, she suddenly knew.  
That there was another word that could make him stop.  
So she waited a little, played along. She ruffled through his hair, kissed him and before he could completely lose himself, she whispered it into the room.

“Homer.”

Slapping Hap in the face would have had not nearly the same effect.  
He backed away, like something burnt his skin.  
There was silence in the kitchen and Prairie already felt green and slimy guilt slowly blocking her throat.  
What she just did, had been, by no means, necessary.  
They both tried to catch their breath and she unceremoniously pulled her clothes back in place.  
Leaning against the kitchen counter, he grabbed the bridge of his nose and squeezed his eyes shut. She watched him standing there for a few very long seconds, fighting with the turmoil inside of him.  
“Okay.”, he finally said, his voice husky.  
A metaphorical gab, bigger then the Grand Canyon had just opened in the mid of the kitchen.  
Although her heart clenched painfully at the sight of Hap being so utterly hurt, Prairie straightened her back. There was no turning back now. Their cards were open on the table and like it occurred to her earlier: her feelings for Hap were more dangerous for him then for her, because despite everything he did, she cared about him. She could forgive.

And that left everything he wanted dangling right in front of his nose, but still out of his reach.

\---


End file.
